A Letter to My Eating Disorder

Dear ED (Eating Disorder),

I could sit here and tell you I want my life back, but that would be a lie. It is impossible for me to want my life back because I do not remember life without you. I was a child when you swept me off my feet with your false promises. You romanced me with your words, and led me to a path of destruction by leading me to wrecking my body. You said I should become so small I disappear. You promised more love and more confidence. You said you would keep me safe, but in fact I am now in more danger.

The life I have now is so unbelievably frustrating. I cannot participate in what I love most. You prevent me from pursuing relationships, sharing meals with those I love, and rob me of the focus I need to manage school and maintain a career. I want laughter to be my default state. I want love to define me, not how much I weigh. You drain me because you are all encompassing and I am exhausted. So I am done fighting you. I choose me.

I cannot break out of the prison you created for me alone. That is why I am now in a partial hospitalization program to fight against you. Today I take a stand against you. You no longer have a control on me. You do not get to say who I am. I exhale you and breathe in life. I am choosing to pick up my weapon and fight back the darkness. I have settled for a life of the comfortable, but today I stand to take the daring, uncomfortable pursuit of becoming joy.

You were the beast inside me that waged. Now, you no longer have a say in dictating my thoughts and actions. You do not control me anymore. For too long I have just listened to you, but you were abusing me and now I am standing up for myself. So ED, back up, because you carry no authority in my life. We are done, and I am not coming back.